We've seen some pretty amazing technological advances in the last thirty some odd years. Rolled-up sheets of dehydrated fruit, the Atari 2600 joystick (it had eight directions and one fire button, and by God that was all we needed!) Now we have these 27-button space yokes that would throw John Glenn for a loop, just to propel animated bandicoots around some 3-D virtual jungle, and in the daytime yet, when anyone worth their salt knows that bandicoots are nocturnal creatures. (And what the hell is up with that anyway? Weren't hedgehogs and small monkeys good enough for these people?) This paragraph sounds like it's becoming very convoluted so I'm going to start over.

My new topic paragraph begins here.

Of all of the technological advances we've seen over the last thirty some odd years, such as those amazing things like spray can cheese and dissolving stitches, I would have to say that one of the most valuable advances would have to be the emoticon. An emoticon, for the three people reading this who don't use e-mail, except that this is an e-mail newsletter, so how could you be reading this if you don't use e-mail? Oh Gosh, now THIS paragraph is becoming convoluted!

I repeat; an emoticon is a group of characters that forms a small picture that is meant to define the emotional context of a written statement. To give you an example of the emoticon's effectiveness, look at these two statements:

I am very happy!
I am very happy! :-)

In the first instance, it is difficult to determine the speaker's actual emotional state. For instance, the speaker may be expressing sarcasm, or they may be using an obvious exclamation to denote a situation that is rife with irony. The reader just doesn't know.

Now, look at the second statement, which is accompanied by a emoticon that is meant to provide reinforcement of an emotional context of well-being, humor, or a calm, quiet acceptance of the complex and twisted circumstances of life. In the second statement, it is much more apparent that the speaker is, indeed, happy.

The emoticon marks the greatest advance in typographical emotional-context indicators since Ben Jonson first recommended syntactical punctuation in the early-to-mid 1600's. Oh sure, pundits would have you believe that Robert Monteith was the father of syntactical punctuation, and that Monteith's treatises of 1704 on syntactical punctuation were more influential than Jonson's contributions ... but don't you believe it! However, I again digress!

So, do you think that emoticons have more to offer e-mail writers than to help them establish a happy emotional context? Far from it! There are literally dozens of emoticons available that writers can use to establish a myriad of complex emotional states. Here are some examples:

:-(

I am sad.

:-|

I am essentially neutral on this subject.

{:-)

I am happy because I have hair.

;-O

I am distressed because there is something in my eye, and I have no hair.

<|;-)

Although there is something in my eye, I am happy because I have a new hat.

:~)

I am happy despite the fact that I have a broken nose, no hair, and no hat.
In all likelihood, I am an idiot.

<|B~|

Although I have a new hat and sunglasses, my nose is broken, and the status
of my hair is unknown. I am not happy or sad ... my mood can best be described
as ambivalent; I ride the razor's edge between exaltation and despair, with 
the result being an odd ennui that buries my mind in muzzy self-reflection.

     #
     |   ------|
(:D)----|-->
     |   ------|
     #

I am an exhibitionist. Come join me in a celebration of the human body.

     #
      |   --++|
('|O)----|-++
 '   |    ---++|
      #

I am an exhibitionist who has just been involved in a crosswalk
hit-and-run automobile accident. I require immediate medical attention,
and very likely, years and years of counselling from a licensed mental
health practitioner.

Man ... if I had a nickel for every time I've used THAT emoticon, I'd be sitting naked on the beach on some   tropical island, sucking back spray can cheese and watching my stitches dissolve.