DO THEY HAVE CAT-FLAVORED DOG FOOD?
by Martin "Marty" Crenshaw

There are three pivotal decisions in a person's life: when to get married, when to have children, and whether to own a dog or turn evil and own a cat instead. Since I'm allergic to cats, the decision was an easy one. While cats are cute and fluffy, their cold aloofness is more than I can handle and they are more annoying than listening to Carol Channing and Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens debate the merits of "tastes great, less filling" for six hours .

No sir, give me the neediness and codependence of a dog any day. The first real pedigree dog I ever got was an apricot colored, miniature poodle named Poppyteh, who is several times the topic of my everyday conversation. Sadly he has been gone many years now. So when I was finally ready to get another dog, I knew that I could never have anything but another Poodle.

So another Poppyteh has entered into my life. And, although he is cute, he is nothing like his predecessor. Although I had vowed to stop getting dogs altogether, when I first heard that the same breeder as Poppyteh had another apricot pup, one of Millie's sisters was having puppies, we were first in line to get one of his nieces. I knew it was sappy and sentimental, but I figured that if Poppyteh II didn't work out, I always had a backup. I can reveal these family secrets now, since my dog doesn't read my column anyway, the ungrateful monster.

You've heard the saying that it's possible to get too much of a good thing. And while I rarely find that to be true in the case of money, backrubs, or pepperoni and green olive pizza, owning another dog is definitely one of those instances. After I brought Numero Deux home, I became the Poster Child to the finger-wagging good time teetotalers who were more than happy to point out that you can indeed have too much of a good thing… and, it just peed on my beige, wool rug!

Don't get me wrong. I love my dog, and the house would be empty without him. It would also be quiet, calm, peaceful, serene, placid, relaxing, and I could sleep for more than six hours without a trip outside! But, I wouldn't enjoy it for more than two - three months tops! If my daughter had her way she would have opted for not just ONE but, at least, two or three CATS! That is not her only disagreement with me. She tells me the correct spelling of my second dog is POOPYteh, with a double O! However, she doesn't live here, so the dog's name is POPPYteh!

We're still trying to potty train him. All right, all right, I admit it. I'm an abject failure! The dog is eight months old and still isn't house broken. Put me in the same group as the parents whose five year olds are still sucking on pacifiers. My eight month old dog -- who is the equivalent of a seven year old child in dog years -- can be counted on to leave at least one surprise for us to clean up by the end of the day.

We do take Poppyteh out several times a day. We make sure that he gets plenty of love and attention and is properly fed and watered. But, somehow, he manages to sneak one in there and wet my house. When I come home, he's dancing on his hind legs, as poodles do, in the puddle, eagerly wagging his pom-pom tail, and trying to soak as much pee into his paws as possible --- this way when he jumps up to greet me, he's sure to leave a couple of good Drenched PawPrints on my fine tailored pants. This dog has a lot to learn about being subtle.

But despite all of his faults, he's not nearly as bad as a majority of dogs who dine on their own poop. I know this is an icky subject, but there is a huge percentage of dogs do this. It's actually pretty uncommon for dogs not to do it. In fact, so many dogs engage in this nasty habit that someone actually invented a product to prevent them from doing it. There are even home remedies for it, including feeding the dog green beans, or pouring a little meat tenderizer on their food. Folks, I don't make this stuff up, so Ask Yourself this Question: - While I was potty training my dog why didn't I find more poop in the house? If your puppy is abnormally gaining weight you might want to investigate his alternative dining habits.

As for Poppyteh? He wouldn't dream of eating anything that didn't come out of a bag or fall off the table. On the other hand, he absolutely loves cat food.

The dog Groomer has a kennel and cat rescue facility, so she has cat food in bowls all over her shop. This creates a small problem whenever I take my POOPYteh -- oops -- Poppyteh for his monthly grooming. As soon as we walk in the door, he races over to one of the bowls and crams as much cat food into his mouth, knowing that he only has a few seconds before I pull him away. Even as I pull on the leash, he's straining to get back for just one more bite.

If this is the nastiest eating habit he acquires then "bon appetite" my fido friend.