Hold onto your hats folks, I've got some really big news for you. Some Georgia State University researchers have released a study, and the results are simply astounding. Get ready for this!

People who aren't having sex, but want to, are frustrated and unhappy. I know, I know, I was just as shocked and amazed as you are to read this. "People who don't have sex are unhappy?" you ask. "You mean a lack of sex makes people frustrated? When did this start happening? Why haven't I heard anything about this until now?"

Despite the outpouring of shock and amazement at this finding, this has apparently been going on for some time now. And to show the world that what everyone already knew anyway, including the hermit goat herders of Nepal, two Georgia State University sociologists decided to study "involuntary celibates," to see how they felt about not having sex. Their study was sort of like the Kinsey reports only in reverse. Not too surprisingly, the good doctors concluded that these involuntary celibates were depressed, cranky, and insecure. These results go a long way in explaining Bob Dole's gruff-and-grumbling kind of demeanor during the 1996 presidential campaign, and his never-ending smile after becoming a spokesman for Viagra.

The report, which was published in the August issue of the Journal of Sex Research, has been criticized roundly for pointing out the obvious and for using poor methodology (there were only 82 test subjects, all found on the Internet). Other criticisms include the fact that participants are typical computer users -- mostly young, male, white, and well educated. That, and the Journal of Sex Research contain no pictures or illustrations.

According to a press release on Georgia State University's website: (for more info, go to www.w.gsu.edu/%7Ewwwour/invcelrel.htm), the study started in 1998, when a member of an online discussion group for involuntary celibates asked one of the good doctors whether there was any research on the subject. Since there wasn't much, the two researchers decided to study the problem. Upon hearing this, critics then asked "You mean there's an Internet discussion group for people who aren't getting sex? The fact that they're talking about not having sex on the computer should be their first clue that something is wrong. "Tell them to shut the computer off and go to a singles bar!" I say.

According to the GSU press release, an involuntary celibate is defined as someone who "...wants to have sex, but has been unable to find a willing partner at least six months prior to the survey." No mention was made of unwilling partners, Internet porn chat room participants, or that really hot neighbor across the street who leaves her curtains open when she changes clothes. Among the 60 men and 22 women included heterosexuals, bisexuals, homosexuals, and transsexuals (people who have had a sex change operation).

The subjects fell into one of three categories: virginal celibates (never had sex), single celibates (had sex at least once before), and partnered celibates (married or in long-term relationships). One astonishing discovery researchers made was that all 82 participants were lifetime members of various Star Trek fan clubs, and have attended at least six Star Trek conventions in the past 12 months. 87% of them also own the "Klingon-English Dictionary."

Needless to say, others have found the research goofy, unnecessary, and even wasteful. "It seems kind of silly. It's a really hard thing to do a scientific study on," said one Reuter's reporter. "It's obvious: A lot of people who don't have sex are grouchy," said another New York City reporter. "But I would want to read about it." Of course, not everyone felt the same way. A staff psychiatrist at the Oasis Clinic in Washington, D.C., criticized the study: "I wonder why the authors thought this was an interesting question," she said. "They did not make a convincing case for undertaking it and we've heard it all before."

The researchers have been accused of wasting time and money on research on "Duh" research -- research whose conclusion is painfully obvious. However, she said the study only cost $5,000, which came from an internal university research grant. "It would be a shame to spend significant tax dollars on an uninformative study such as this," one researcher said. "It doesn't tell you a lot. It's really a non-finding because the methodology is so weak."

Now before any of you start complaining to Senator Jesse Helms, the conservative whiney-pants who hates it when American tax dollars are spent on anything besides bombs, you'll be glad to know that $5,000 works out to $0.00001851852 (almost twenty-thousandths of a cent) per person in the United States. So if you want to whine and complain about the waste of your tax dollars, let me know, and I'll pay for your share.

But I'm not sharing any pictures with you.