My editor handed me this E-Mail and wondered what we could do with it. Well, I stuck it in my pocket and pondered over it for a week. I did decide to try them and here are some of the my disasterous results.

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at any passing car. See if they slow down.

   To my surprise, each one did. One even came to a full stop and threw me his finger!

2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

   I did that and my editor almost threw me out of the office. My wife threw me out of our home altogether!

3. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".

   The next morning I found all of my colleagues' actual garbage in it! Unwrapped!

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

   This one would not have worked anywhere. Everyone I know is addicted to expresso every which way already.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

   I got three takers and one 'no go' with an insult!

6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

   At the end of a week the staff ran a money drive and bought L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology book, "Dianetics", for me to peruse.

7. Don't use any punctuation marks.

   I thought why not? After all, if it was good enough for the Pulitzer Prize winner, Frank McCourt, in "Angela's Ashes", then it should work for me. It didn't.

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

   I'm not a daintily built person. In fact I'm obese. This one almost gave me a heart attack!

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

   I did that while I was standing on line at the bank to cash a check. Two people out and out cursed at me and the security guard asked me to leave by pushing me out the door.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    They are not so stupid at McDonalds! After I paid for my order, with pad in hand, the window waitress asked me where I would like my order delivered.

11. Sing along at the opera.

    What! I don't even go to the opera! I don't even sing in the shower for fear of insulting myself!

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    This one I didn't even consider. I wouldn't have put myself out there to appear foolish. Even I know that poetry doesn't make sense!

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    Without my knowing it, one of my office colleagues slithered around my desk and tied down the net to the legs. Then they let loose a jar of flies under the net -- well you know the rest! We have not talked to each other since.

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    This one I couldn't do either. I'm always in the mood for a party! In fact, when our editor isn't looking I host a mini party at my desk every chance I get.

15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

    Three of my women colleagues and my editor, stood in front of my desk, shoulder to shoulder, with their arms folded in determination, and said, "You are not leaving this office until you show us!"

16. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! That's my 3rd time this week!!!!!"

    Two people chased me to my car begging for my system

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    The parking lot attendant turn a water hose on me!

18. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

    Without hesitation, all three of them packed their suitcases and left with my credit cards in their possession.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Cliff gets no more assignments from me. He's on his own!